It’s back-to-school season and that often goes hand-in-hand with a return to being bullied for many kids.
School can be rough. Aside from academics, the social interactions are often less than nurturing to kids’ self-esteem and mental health.
Our First Day Back to School
I’m rage-typing this while recounting my third grader’s first day back to school. He has dyslexia and struggles with reading — especially out loud — as it ratchets up his anxiety. He was made to read out loud on the first day, therefore prompting some not-so-nice comments from a particular boy in his class as he stumbled through the sentences. My son came home in tears. Not a great start to the year. Bullying on the first day, kid? Really?!
My seventh grader complained of being bullied on his first day too. This one kid in his class started right back up where he left off at the end of sixth grade: making fun of my son for being poor because we don’t have an elevator in our house. And because I drive a car that runs on gasoline, not electricity like his mother’s superior vehicle.
These comments did not elicit tears in my seventh grader as he’s heard it all before. It made him mad, though. And annoyed. It definitely soured his first day.
“Why does he care what we have or don’t have, Mom?” he asked me.
I answered back with what I’d always heard regarding the motivation of bullies: low self-esteem. Trying to build oneself up by putting another person down. It’s a pretty complex concept for both kids and adults to wrap their heads around. I know it is for me.
My son and I tried to figure out the source of this kid’s low self-esteem. “He’s super tiny. Like the shortest, smallest kid in my grade,” he explained. “Maybe that’s it.”
“Maybe he’s sensitive that his parents are rich but choose to spend their money on elevator maintenance and a Nissan Leaf instead of sending him to private school because they don’t love him,” I surmised.
(Don’t freak out, Mamas. My son is well-versed in sarcasm. It’s basically our family’s native tongue. He knows his bully’s parents probably love him.)
What Is Bullying?
Bullying can encompass many different behaviors such as teasing, taunting, physical harm, harm to personal property, spreading rumors, and embarrassing someone on purpose.
Behaviors are considered bullying if they’re unwanted, aggressive, involve an imbalance of power (whether real or perceived), and happen repeatedly or have the potential to happen again.
Check out the federal government’s site stopbullying.gov to learn more.
How Common Is Bullying?
According to federal statistics, one in five students aged 12-18 experiences bullying. Twenty percent sounds extremely low to me. I’d wager that the rate is a lot higher than that.
Most people I know were bullied at some point during their lives. Some were bullied more hurtfully and intensely than others, of course. Perhaps the one in five are extreme cases and the rest of us were just traumatized to a lesser extent.
The Impact of Bullying
I had a pretty idyllic childhood and a good experience in school, yet I still remember being bullied. I did well academically so I was called Brown Noser and Teacher’s Pet. I’ve been fat-shamed, slut-shamed, and big-nose-shamed over the course of my life. My sixth-grade crush would ridicule me for wearing the same brand of sneakers as his third-grade sister.
Sometimes I wonder how these incidences of occasional, low-level bullying influenced who I grew up to be. Was it character building? Did it serve a purpose? Did it eff up my self-confidence? Did I unknowingly eff up someone else’s self-confidence with hurtful words as a kid?!
The impacts of bullying are many. Some kids develop resilience. Others develop depression, anxiety, stress-related physical symptoms, and sleep disturbances. Some kids avoid going to school to avoid their bullies, leading to educational setbacks. Kids who experience bullying often become bullies themselves, leading to a circle of fear, anger, and meanness. Some kids cope through overeating, self-harm, and substance abuse.
It breaks my heart to think about the kids who don’t survive the emotional pain and choose to end their lives instead. Sometimes the bullying is so incessant that it feels like there’s no other way out. Can you imagine that for your kid?
How I’m Handling It With My Kids
In lieu of going Mama Bear Crazy on the kids who mess with my kids, I am taking these steps to minimize the effects of bullying.
- Encourage them to ignore the bully.
- Encourage them to speak up and tell the bully to stop if ignoring doesn’t work.
- Listen attentively and empathize with their struggles. Open communication is key.
- Shower them with love and affection. Make home a comforting, safe space. Talk to them about all of their awesome attributes. Nurture their self-esteem.
- Instill a sense of respect and open-mindedness in them. Let them know it’s okay to be different and accept the differences in others.
- Coach them at responding to bullies via role-playing.
- Point out people in the media who exhibit bullying behavior and how harmful it is to our society. They are not role models.
- Emphasize living by the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Don’t be a jerk!
- Encourage them to spend time with people who make them feel good about themselves.
- Seek professional help if it’s warranted. Be transparent about mental health concerns.
