I will be the first one to admit that I find female friendship hard to commit to and even harder to sustain over the long haul. But I also know that when I commit to doing life alongside another woman, my life is instantly enriched and blessed for it.
When my husband and I showed up to a new church meeting in a local elementary school cafeteria one Sunday, I didn’t walk in expecting to find a sister.
But nine years later, we are still committed to our friendship. We have seen each other through the most traumatic events that I could have imagined during both of our times as foster parents. We were there when children ran away and when children were unruly. We even homeschooled our large brood together at her dining room table.
We have had our ups and downs as far as our friendship is concerned. There were times when I had no idea if we would be able to weather the trauma that we collectively lived through. We lost touch for a year or two when my youngest left our home for good.
It was too painful to be reminded of all we had lived through and the separation was so fresh. But my resistance to lean into the friendship amid my sorrow left me feeling isolated and more alone than ever before. I didn’t just lose my son; I lost my best friend in the process.
Now that we have come back together, there are a few things I have learned about friendship in honor of National Friendship Day this August.
Lessons About Female Friendship
1. Friendship means seeing each other at our worst.
I wish I could say that my house was always clean when she came over, that laundry was folded instead of sitting on the couch, and that I vacuumed and dusted. We spent every day together, homeschooling kids and managing the masses. It would have been impossible for me to always be on top of all of the details of family life.
And I would have missed out on some sweet moments with my friend if I had insisted that my life had to be picture perfect.
Sometimes we just laughed and let our lives fall to pieces around us. And you know what? We were okay with it! Our relationship wouldn’t have been as deep and genuine if we had tried to make our lives into some idealistic image of what we thought it should be.
2. Friendship means showing up.
We were both committed, therapeutic foster parents. Uncertainty over the future was a given for us. Neither of us knew when the other one might receive that phone call, the one that came at the most inopportune time. But we knew that our tribe would rally if a child needed to be placed in either of our homes, setting up childcare and clothing swaps and new furniture in a pinch.
Our families didn’t always know what to do to help each other, but we showed up. We kept the wheels running, whether that meant running out for fried chicken on a Thursday night or taking all of the kids to the pool on a summer day.
Friendship is about being there in the moments that matter, even if you don’t know what you can do to help. Your presence speaks volumes – and everything else can be sorted out later after a good cry.
3. Friendship means sacrifice.
When I got married, I was prepared for the sacrifice I would have to make to have a life with my new husband. I had no idea that my friendships would require the same degree of sacrifice. No matter what we went through, it was never easy to show up for someone else.
We all have our own things going on – every last one of us! Showing up for someone else requires you to put your stuff in the backseat for a moment. Let them tell you what they need. The answer may surprise you and it may not be the thing you think they need.
Be willing to go out of your way to invest in a female friendship, because you never know. It might just be the thing that sustains you in the seasons of life that lay ahead of you.
