Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard, “So when are you having another baby?”
If you had a dime for every time someone (whether a family member, friend, or stranger) asked you this, you’d have a crap-ton of dimes, right?
Raise your hand again if you cringed hard when asked. It’s okay if you did. This question, which is always well-meaning and innocent, is often hardly either for the recipient.
Or how about when another mom attempts to publicly shame you for the choices you make?
How does that make you feel? Do you feel immediately defensive or triggered? How do you respond? Do you respond?
A Recent Experience With Decision Shaming
About a month and a half ago, my sister and I attended a surprise ladies’ luncheon for my mom’s birthday. It was a lovely affair, and I really enjoyed getting to know her friends better. We were all chatting, and a few asked how my son was doing. I, of course, happily answered their questions and proudly showed some pictures.
It was all very nice conversation until another woman decided to proclaim, I can only assume to me although it seemed to be to no one in particular, “You’re not a mother if you only have one child.”
Hold up, say what now?
I do not know this woman, nor does she know me. She does not know that we faced fertility challenges and a miscarriage before our son came along. She does know all of the other women there. Some of whom only have one child as well.
I have to tell you, Dearest Gentle-Readers, I am extremely proud of myself for how I reacted. Or rather, how I didn’t react.
My first thought upon hearing this nonsense was, “Well, that’s absurd. I literally grew another human inside my body. I am a mother.” My second thought was, “I am under no obligation to explain my choices to you, person I’ve never met until now.”
So, I didn’t.
Maybe it’s my GenX sensibilities, my advanced maternal age, or I’m just a little dead inside. Either way, I am very secure in my decision to not have any more children and this completely obtuse comment from a stranger had little effect on me.
It Was Not About Me
I’ll let you in on a little nugget of wisdom that may just blow your mind. That comment was not about me and my choice. It was about her. It was about her struggles and insecurities, and possible regrets, as a mother who raised four children. It was her attempt to make herself feel better by shaming others, as if parenthood is a competition and she won.
I don’t understand her struggles just as she doesn’t understand mine. Nor am I denying that having more than one child is tougher than having one. It very much is. Kudos to every single parent of more than one child, I humbly salute you.
Advice When Faced With Decision Shaming
So, my advice is this. Be confident in whatever parenting decisions you make.
Whether it’s to have more children, adopt, foster, what age is okay for cell phones and social media, etc. BE CONFIDENT. No matter what.
Listen to what your gut is telling you.
If you are confident in your decision-making, you will not bat an eyelash at any shaming comments directed your way. Nor will you fall into the comparison trap.
I feel no shame, embarrassment, or regret when asked if or when we’re having more children. And I delight, maybe a little too much sometimes, in explaining our “why” because I am so confident in the decision. There is a wonderful sense of peace of mind in that. Maybe if things were different we would be trying again or have another little one already here. There again, maybe not.
I love my little family and the life we’ve created for ourselves. Not one person will ever make me feel bad for my decisions because of any personal baggage they’re carrying.
I will leave you with this, my Dearest Gentle-Readers, go forth on your parenting journey with the confidence of a toddler carrying a step stool.
Parenting is hard enough. We all win, no matter how much we feel like we’re failing, when we work together. It truly does take a village.
