April 15th, 2021: The day our lives forever changed — a day no one wants to experience. No one wants to be a part of the “club” that comes from a day like April 15th, 2021 — the day my 49-year-old husband died. Completely unexpectedly. The day was like any other. Except by 1:20 p.m. that afternoon, life would never be the same ever again.
A massive heart attack and, just like that, I was a widow with three sons.
Parenting Through Grief
In the days and months and years since April 2021, we have navigated tremendous grief. How is a mother supposed to manage her own grief while helping her children navigate theirs? Our older two sons were 26 and 20 at the time of their dad’s passing. Our youngest son was 12 . . .
All of them needing their dad in their lives, my older two trying to maneuver through being in their 20s and careers as police officers — their dad was their sounding board, the one they called first after their shifts. My 12-year-old had just entered middle school that school year — a crucial time in his life of needing advice only a dad can offer.
My own crushing grief had to be dealt with too. The kind of grief that makes you unable to breathe. The kind that makes you want to stay in bed all day, because what’s the point? But when you’re a mother, even to older children, you make yourself climb out of a very dark place to help them with their own crushing grief.
How We Coped Early On
What I found is we all helped each other.
My middle son was living in Atlanta at the time and decided to leave his job and move home. My oldest son did not re-sign his lease at his apartment. They both moved back home with me and my youngest. It was, as the saying goes, the best of times and the worst of times. The gaping loss in our once family of five was oppressive at times. But in this crushing, oppressive time of early grief, we held on to each other and our grief became more manageable. My older two stayed with us for six months and that was one of the biggest blessings our family needed.
Working Toward Healing
We all deal with healing from grief differently. I sought out the help of an amazing therapist. My oldest son has a dear friend who also lost his dad in his 20s. My middle son leaned on our pastor. My youngest relied heavily on me to help in his healing. We each found what worked best for us.
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to this healing. You only need to seek out a healthy way of dealing with it. But most importantly, for healing to happen you must deal with the grief. It’s hard, heartbreaking work. No one wants to face such difficult things. It will bring you to your knees and make you feel like you cannot go on. You’re angry, sad, anxious, afraid, and most importantly you just want your old life back for you and your children. Unfortunately, the reality is you cannot go back — only forward, as hard as that is to accept.
Moving Forward With Grief
So here we are almost two and a half years later. We’re healing. We’re moving forward. None of it is easy. The grief does get lighter but it will never fully go away. Grief waves will always still happen. All we can do is ride it out, pick ourselves back up, and continue forward.
My youngest is starting high school. My older two decided to leave their former profession and have both found rewarding careers. I’m doing the work in therapy and continue to move forward as well.
If you’re navigating grief remember this: Do not let anyone tell you how you should be doing it and what it should look like for you and your children. Find what works for you, because no one but you can fully understand the journey you’re on.
Resources
I was so thankful to come across several books in my early grief which I highly recommend. It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok by Megan Divine and The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion were two of my favorites. Grief fog is real and lasts a long time. Read them when you feel ready.
Another one that helped me further along in my journey was Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen. For older kids, The Grief Handbook by Bridget McNulty is excellent.
If you’re parenting through grief, my heart is with you and I wish you all the best. Remember to be easy on yourself and lean on your people. Self-care is so important. You cannot help your children if you’re not helping yourself as well.
About the Author
Stephanie Cunningham was born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts. She moved to South Carolina in 1990 for college and has been living on James Island since 2005. Stephanie is mom to a 14-year-old son and two adult sons. She is also a dog mom to two Chihuahuas, Tank and Moose. Practicing yoga and enjoying the beach are what fills her soul with happiness.
