My husband and I have been putting our marriage on the back burner over the past few months. We’ve probably been doing it to some extent since our children came along. Although we love them more than life itself (obligatory disclaimer), our kids suck up our time and energy like tiny little vampires. At the end of the day, it’s hard to conjure up any lifeblood for one another when you add work, household chores, and everything else to the mix.
I’m over it.
My husband deserves way more of my attention and emotional wherewithal than he’s been getting. And I deserve more than I’ve been getting from him too. The other day he said we’re like ships passing in the night and that broke my heart.
We agree we need a better balance between parenting our children and nurturing our relationship.
I don’t ever want to take him for granted because he’s my OG, my favorite person in the world. It’s strange that we’re in this place but I don’t think it’s unique to our relationship. A lot of couples with young children are right where we are: in love, but not able to revel in it like when we were younger.
Now is the time of soccer practice drop-offs, meal planning, and mediating sibling squabbles. We’ve deprioritized romance out of necessity, not want. A spark of romance still burns in the trust we have in each other that we’ll get back to it when we can.
Well, I’m sick of waiting around for that opportunity to present itself amidst the chaos of everyday life. We won’t find that opportunity at the rate we’re going, so we’re planning to make one.
We’re going to bring sexy back this fall, y’all! Maybe you should too.
The Plan to Bring Sexy Back to Our Relationship
1. Regular Date Nights
This is a no-brainer and probably tops the list of every “Improve Your Relationship” article out there. It’s on this list too, because we all need a reminder to prioritize time alone with our partner. It’s hard to carve out this space in our busy lives, but it is essential to feeling connected.
A few tips for date night:
- Don’t talk about the kids, work, or household chores on your dates. It won’t bring sexy back.
- Do talk about romance. Reminisce on how you met, your first date, your first time, how you got engaged, etc. Take a sexy walk down memory lane.
- Dates don’t have to be too elaborate or costly. A walk on the beach is a simple, cost-effective one. The point is to enjoy each other’s company.
- Do you literally have no time for a date? Turn something mundane (grocery shopping, picking meds up at the pharmacy, dropping the kids off places) into something you do together. Grab a Starbucks PSL and imagine the car’s a café. Not super sexy, but it’s a start.
- Swap childcare duty with other couple friends. This will encourage them to have date nights too, and you’ll save a ton of money on babysitters. Look at you, looking out for your friends!
2. Sex on the Reg
My husband is definitely on board with this one!
Like many other couples, we binge-watch TV shows before bed. Very relaxing. Not sexy. We’re really good at the Netflix part of Netflix & Chill. On the nights that we actually do Chill, it’s always the same sentiment: “That was fun! We should do that more often!” And you know what? We will because we’re bringing sexy back. Bam!
A few tips for more frequent sex:
- Schedule it on your calendar. It’s that important. You don’t miss work meetings and annual doctor appointments, do you? Treat sex with the same significance. Your marriage will thank you.
- Power through the “I’m too tired.” Yes, we’re all tired because we have kids and it’s 2023 and there’s too much happening in our lives. Have some low-energy sex. It’s better for your relationship than none at all.
- Compare notes with your friends. How do they prioritize sex in their relationships? Be frank and straight up ask, “What does it for you and your partner?” If you don’t have friends you can ask this of, find some.
- Spice things up. Shop for a new sex toy together. Watch some porn. Do it in the middle of the afternoon. Build yourselves a sex chair. Get it on somewhere unexpected (but please don’t get arrested for indecent exposure though, okay?!).
3. Sexy Non-Sex Acts
An easy way to bring sexy back is physical touch — so important in loving relationships. It’s one of the five love languages and a way to express affection without having to say a word. And it feels good too.
A few tips to incorporate more physical touch into your day:
- Take a break and hug it out. Stop whatever you’re doing and wrap your arms around your spouse. They won’t know what hit them (in a good way).
- Sit on the couch and make out like you’re teenagers. Don’t go past second base (that’s boobs, btw). Stop before things go too far and live in that hot place of anticipation for a while.
- Slow dance to your wedding song or a romantic song that means something to you both. Bonus points if this happens in the living room in front of your kids who will feel super awkward witnessing the love.
- Hold hands while you watch a movie. Hold hands at a party in front of your friends. Hold hands while you walk the dog. Etcetera.
4. Plan a Getaway
Let’s be real: Hotel sex is so much better than sex at home, right? There’s less responsibility awaiting you in the next room. There are fewer interruptions. The room feels more luxurious than yours at home with its piles of laundry waiting to be folded. Ahhhh, vacation. Let’s go!
A few tips for getting away:
- If you must bring the children, make sure the resort/cruise/whatever has a kids club or babysitting service. You deserve a few hours to yourselves. Make that unsexy family vacation just a tad bit sexy.
- Ideally, leave the children at home with a family member or trusted friend. If I were Dr. Jenna, Sex Therapist, I’d prescribe couples trips to all my patients. It’s just what the doctor ordered for rekindling that flame! My husband and I road-tripped in a convertible down the Florida Keys and it was magic. Check out our itinerary here.
- Don’t be like me and schedule every minute of every day on a vacation. Take a few hours here and there to lounge, converse with your partner over drinks, and luxuriate in your couplehood.
