I have written this so many times over again to find the right words.
Growing up, I had these unrealistic expectations that when you have kids, automatically you’re going to have a heaping amount of help raising your kids.
You know the cliché saying, “It takes a village to raise kids.” That saying has stuck in my head for years after having my kids. I always wondered, “Well, where is my village or tribe?! How do I find them?!? Is it supposed to be family or is it supposed to be friends!?”
Personally, I don’t have parents who are readily active in my life. To make situations a bit more intense, during my last pregnancy my husband and I decided to move to a completely different state where we barely knew anyone. Trying to navigate life with my husband and two children in a brand-new state was a huge adjustment for me.
I have had to learn how to navigate motherhood without having the safe haven of a so-called “village” or “tribe” to help me. At times, yes, it has been lonely and frustrating because I desperately needed that support.
Do You Relate? I See You.
If you find yourself baffled and wondering where your “tribe” is in your season of parenting — know that you are not alone. I understand your frustration because I have been there. I understand your mom guilt for being burnt out. I see that you need a break. I see that you don’t have date nights with your husband as often as you like. I also see a mom who is trying her best. I see that you mean the world to your kids, and you are doing an amazing job with whatever type of support you have.
Letting Go of Comparing Support
This idea or expectation of having a “tribe or village” readily at hand then often leads me to wonder, “Maybe this is a fairy tale expectation that we are all made to believe about how life should be?” Truthfully speaking, I don’t agree with the term “it takes a village to raise kids,” for the very reason that everyone has different circumstances.
Honestly, this is just another reason not to compare your life or the support system you have to others. That is something we don’t need in our lives.
Over the years I learned how to lean on myself and my husband. I no longer compare what type of support I have or fantasize about how I think motherhood is supposed to be. In reality, everyone’s situation is different. I learned that simmering in this idea of having this “tribe” that I pictured in my head as a kid has led me to have very unrealistic expectations.
Obviously, I have my ups and downs; I try my best to take deep breaths and work with what I have in front of me. I have learned to ask my husband or friends for help with the kids, when before I would never do that — leading me to burnout.
Freeing myself from the idea of a tribe was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I gave myself grace. Yes, I pat myself on the back for accomplishing so much with my kids, with very little to no help at all.
I learned through parenting — especially when it’s just you and your husband — that you need to celebrate the little goals or accomplishments you have made. Lastly, I also learned when it came to my husband and I needing date nights, we would have “in-home date nights” after the kids go to bed. We got creative and would order a meal out, rent a movie, and we would turn it into a movie date night!
So if you’re reading this article and you’re in the same situation, you deserve to pat yourself on the back. Celebrate your wins in parenting without having the support to lean on. Yes, it’s hard, but you need to be so proud of yourself for what you are capable of doing by yourself.
Read more from our Anonymous Stories in Motherhood series.
