Thank you to Jonathan Moody for writing this guest article for our community!
First, a big thank you to my best buddy, my “sister from another mister,” Toni Chamness-Jobe, for allowing me the opportunity to guest on this month’s article. She was one of the people that helped me navigate through my divorce, and transition into being a “single dad.”
I had a lot of things thrown at me. The typical stigma that “having kids is more than babysitting them,” (spoiler: duh) or “You’re going to have to step up now” were my favorites…especially when they came from my lawyer. Thankfully, I had family and friends that are also “in the club” and gave me the secret handshake in order to help me through this.
It is with this in mind that I impart some of my cobbled-together wisdom for anyone who might be going through something similar.
Navigating Divorce as a Man
- You will need support.
I highly recommend, nay demand, that you find a therapist. Having an objective ear is crucial to helping you unpack everything, take ownership of what’s yours, let go of what isn’t, etc… Friends are important as well, but also keep in mind…
- You will lose friends.
They’re going through this divorce too but in a different manner. And for couples, it’s going to be stressful if they take opposing sides. It’s nice to think about, but no one is Switzerland in a divorce.
Case in point: I lost a college friend because his wife was better friends with my ex. I can’t lie, it still stings a bit.
- You will be alone.
And that’s okay! It was very disheartening to stare at a calendar with five kid-less days. However, it allowed me to do things I wanted to do, see family and travel a bit. More importantly, it let me focus on the kids when they were around.
- Do not date until you’re ready.
Look, I realize that getting back into the dating scene seems logical. Don’t. Do. It. You have an opportunity – whether you want to look at it positively or not – to focus on yourself. Take it!
Navigating Divorce as a Dad
- Keep quiet around your kids.
There were some very spicy moments with my ex in the first six months (lol, more like two years) of the divorce, but if you asked my kids? They didn’t know anything. Shield them from this as much as you can, especially at family functions.
Anything you say about your ex in front of your kids, you’re saying about their mom. And consequently, you’re saying it about them.
- Be consistent.
Your kids are getting used to two new schedules; your house and her house. You have no control over what happens over there; deal with it. Be consistent in your rules, enforcement, schedule, etc. This stability will help them – and you – immensely.
- You’re not a “weekend dad.”
Society tells us that when the kids are with their mom, the dad is absent. You can change that stigma. I am at school events, whether it’s “my” night or not. They can call me whenever they want, and vice versa.
Your duties as a dad aren’t limited to when they’re at your house. Stay informed and active. Your kids are paying attention.
Navigating Divorce as a Co-Parent
- It will be weird.
Co-parenting is weird. And inconvenient. You may start scheduling dental appointments on your ex’s day to prove a point. It will be retaliated. Avoid the urge to do anything aside from being a good dad. It will get easier, trust me.
- Focus on the kids.
When speaking with your ex, it can be easy to fall back on unresolved marital issues and past arguments. Don’t. Focus your communication on the kids, and on being good parents.
- Do your best.
And some days, that’s only 30%. You might find yourself reading a book, whimpering at the laundromat on one free evening, or going to bed at 7 pm because you just need this day to end.
You’re seeing a therapist, right? Just checking. This is all normal. It doesn’t mean you’re less of a man, or a dad. It means you’re a human going through a traumatic experience. You’re doing the best you can.
You’ll have good days and bad days. And, it’s ok to lean in on those moments. Did I totally lose it while reading “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” with the paragraph that had “All the while I thought I was carrying him, and yet he was the one carrying me.”? Yes, yes I did.
When I was starting this journey, my dad asked me the question “When your kids graduate from high school, what do you want them to remember about their dad?” That shaped my focus and direction. And while I’m still learning, I think I’m getting there.
About the Author
Jon Moody is married to a woman who could do so much better (thanks, Dad), and father to two questionable children. By day, Jon is the public face of GHS Strings, and by night he’s the feared President of the community HOA. Jon’s hobbies include reading comics, riding his motorcycle, and sending his buddy, Toni, a deluge of memes.
