When we adopted our son, I thought we had it all figured out. We had connected with adoptive families in our church and community. We read all the books and attended all the classes. You couldn’t have convinced me that we weren’t prepared for what was coming next.
The truth is we were woefully unprepared and had a steep learning curve.
It turns out, there were a lot of things that the books and classes don’t prepare you for when welcoming a child into your home. Here are the things no one tells you about adoption that I wish I had heard before our first placement.
What I Wish I Heard Before Adopting
1. No Fairy Tale Endings
I now cringe when I watch Disney movies that romanticize orphans and end with a happily ever after. While I think that my children genuinely enjoyed living with us and being in our home, it was NOT a fairy tale ending. Adoption is born from great tragedy.
That’s true whether your kids come to you as newborns or as teens. They are losing their first family before they can become a part of yours.
I wish we talked more about how difficult it can be to integrate an entirely new human into your family, especially if you are adopting older kids. Adoption is beautiful, but it’s also hard. Never expect your child to feel like they’re lucky to be a part of your family.
2. Birth Families Aren’t Evil
Especially in the foster care system, we become accustomed to thinking that parents must have done something “wrong” to get their children taken from their care. While there is always a real reason why children are no longer in their birth family, it’s important to acknowledge that they were likely doing the best they could or the best they knew how.
Trauma is often generational. Birth parents likely grew up in a dysfunctional situation and may not know better when it comes to parenting their kids. Having a little bit of empathy for a child’s first family is so important. Most kids love their parents, no matter what they have been through.
Speaking with kindness and love can help solidify your bond with the child by making it clear you don’t want to replace their birth parents. It also gives you more compassion for their biological parents.
3. Adoption Brings Up Your Emotional Baggage
Not sure if you have adequately dealt with your own childhood trauma and attachment issues? If not, hold onto your hat because adoption is about to blow the doors wide open. As you struggle to connect with a new child, you may start to see unhealthy patterns in your relationships as well as your emotional responses to their behavior.
Consider reaching out to a therapist before your new placement gets there. You need to be on solid footing before you can help a new child to heal and bond with you. Plus, it gives you an outlet for the tough days – and there will be plenty of tough days ahead!
4. Trouble Bonding is Normal
Some people aren’t sure if they could even love a child who wasn’t theirs biologically. It might not be an overnight attachment. Some days, you might wonder if bonding will ever take place. It can be a long, hard slog uphill if you want to create a relationship from scratch with a child who has just lost everything they knew and loved.
They might have trouble bonding with you and the feeling might be mutual.
You aren’t a bad parent because you don’t feel instant love for the child in your home. It takes time to get to know them and learn to love them, just as it does with other relationships. Chances are you didn’t love your partner right away either. Give it time and have grace for yourself. You can act out of love, even if you don’t feel it yet.
5. Every Experience is Different
Last but not least, I want to point out that not everyone is going to have the same experience or timeline for their adoption. Some people bond instantly and seem to have a smooth ride while others struggle and flail for months, or even years. We had two adoptions and both were different experiences for us.
Never compare your story to someone else’s adoption. Much like social media comparisons, you are likely to find it demoralizing, especially because they likely aren’t sharing the hard things going on behind the scenes. They want to put their best foot forward and are likely watching you do the same.
We could all benefit from being more honest and open about what adoption looks like in our lives. These statements aren’t meant to scare you off from adoption, but to give you the truth: it’s okay not to have it all figured out when you decide you want to adopt. Misinformation is rampant and it can make you feel like your story is less than someone else’s: less spectacular, less beautiful, and less joyful.
Embrace your own story and know that you are doing just fine, no matter what stage of the process you’re in.
