Have you ever been in a situation when you tell someone you are pregnant, or someone sees you with your new baby, and they say some off-the-wall comment or give you some unsolicited advice that you definitely did not need?
It happens to every mom.
It’s hard to know what to say to a new mom unless you’ve had lots of experience talking to moms. It’s easy to say the wrong thing because each individual mom’s experience is so different. You never know what someone is going through.
A mother could be experiencing troubles with breastfeeding, or maybe their baby was premature. Maybe she is having trouble finding daycare to go back to work. Maybe she is experiencing grief or the loss of a family member. YOU NEVER KNOW! So be kind.
Here are a few things, straight from our local mamas, that you should NEVER say to a new mom. And in my experience with working for moms for over five years, I know how deep these can cut.
What NOT to Say to a New Mom
Anything about breastfeeding or bottle feeding. This is NOT YOUR BUSINESS. I know, you might be trying to help, but unless mom asks for advice, don’t even go there. The baby is fed, and that’s what matters.
- “Are you breastfeeding?”
- “Are you sure your breastmilk is giving her everything she needs?”
- “What formula do you use?”
- “Why don’t you give her formula so she will sleep better.”
- “Maybe she’s hungry, try giving her formula.”
Comments on mom’s personal appearance. Not. Allowed. Mom KNOWS she looks like a hot mess – she hasn’t had time in the day to even take one second to look in the mirror, so let’s not remind her that she looks like she has been through a tornado. On a similar note, let’s not comment on her weight. You never know, mom may be experiencing some severe anxiety and maybe she isn’t able to eat.
- “You’ve got your hands full.”
- “You look tired.”
- “You look like you’ve lost that baby weight!”
- “Your boobs will never be the same after breastfeeding.”
Warning mom about the future of motherhood. Mom is s.t.r.u.g.g.l.i.n.g. right now. Even if she looks like she’s got it all together, we all have our moments. But never, EVER, warn mom of what she “has coming” as her children grow up. It’s not cool. Let’s sit with her in this season of her life and not scare her about her future.
“Wait until…”
- “You have two kids.”
- “They start walking/talking – they never stop!”
- “They go through a sleep regression – man, that is not fun!”
- “They start eating solids – what a mess!”
Advice about raising baby. Every mother raises their children differently, and advice should never be given unless asked for. Doesn’t matter if it worked for you, it’s not your business how another mama raises her little ones.
- “Put that baby down. You’re going to spoil him/her.”
- “You’re brave for getting out of the house after just a month.”
- “Is your baby sleeping through the night?” or “Are you co-sleeping?”
- “When are you starting solids with your baby?”
- “Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
- “She’s so tiny!” or “He’s so big!”
Finally, and maybe most importantly, don’t ask a mother “When are you going to try for a girl/boy?” or “Are ya’ll going to have any more babies?” This can be a very sensitive subject for some moms – they may have had a traumatic birth or a medical procedure that won’t allow them to have more children. So, when in doubt, just see the mom as she is in the moment and support her where she is.
So this is my challenge to you: Think before you speak!
Put yourself in the mom’s shoes. Think about things that might be triggering or hurtful even though you don’t mean to be. Consider all perspectives of motherhood.
And when in doubt, just be there to support her by telling her, “You are doing an amazing job.”
Trust me. That will make her day.
