Grandparenting Across the Miles: Far Apart but Close at Heart

“The only parenting hack is grandparents.”

I saw this meme on Instagram and it simultaneously made me want to laugh and cry. I am the mother of three young children. My parents, whom I adore, live in a different time zone.

The Reality of Long-Distance Grandparenting

My parents are the people I want to be when I grow up. My childhood was a collection of happy memories, and my mom and dad are my greatest examples of how to be both a good parent and a good person. They are two of my best friends, and I have lived more than 1,200 miles away from them since I graduated high school.

I’ve felt the physical distance between us even more deeply since I’ve had children. My mom and dad excelled as parents, but they were really born to be grandparents. One of my greatest blessings in life is the privilege and gift of raising children with such a positive, good presence in their lives. One of my greatest heartbreaks is knowing my children won’t have the advantage of my parents’ physical presence as part of their everyday.

Sometimes I grieve my decision to make a life away from my hometown and many of the people I love most. I grieve it at 7:30 a.m. when I’m driving my toddlers to our nanny’s before an important work meeting, and one of them vomits — and there is no one to come to my rescue because my husband is out of town with his job. I grieve it when I see pictures of my beautiful, dimpled, and smiling niece on my father’s lap while she’s waiting for a ride to school. I grieve it on Grandparents’ Day at school. I grieve it when I consider having no meals alone with my husband for six months. I grieve it at every birthday party, sporting event, and celebration where Omi and Papa’s (my kids’ names for Grandma and Grandpa) presence would’ve made it all that much better.

I know long-distance relationships, in all forms, are a reality for many of us now. That doesn’t make this less difficult or sad, but it has provided me with lots of opportunities to observe how others have handled the struggle. I’ve realized it’s possible to build a life away from the ones you love and still have them be a very real and important part of that life.

How to Allow For Connected Grandparenting From Afar

I’m grateful to have an amazing partner in ensuring my children know and love, and are loved by, family thousands of miles away. My mom pours herself into her grandchildren and works together with me to make sure geographical distance doesn’t mean our hearts are far apart.

Below are some of the things we’ve done, experienced, or observed that have enabled my kids and my parents to stay connected.

Musings From Me (The Mama):

1. Invest in those long-distance relationships. Take the vacation time. Buy the plane ticket. If it’s within your means to do so, don’t question whether the trip, the time, or the expense is worth it. It’s worth it 100 times over to provide your children with those memories. If travel isn’t an option, then leverage technology for all it’s worth. Schedule Facetime calls. Exchange videos. Send letters. Be purposeful about connecting.
2. Be deliberate in planning events to allow grandparents to make the most of their time with you and your family. I’m a big fan of two-for-ones: planning my daughter’s birthday party and my son’s baptism for the same weekend to allow for my parents to attend both.
3. Plan extended stays. This isn’t always feasible, but if it works for all parties, it’s an excellent way for grandkids and grandparents to have meaningful, unrushed interactions. I take my three kids to my parents’ house on a pristine Minnesota lake for three weeks every summer. Fortunately, I can work remotely, allowing my parents to reconnect with my kids. Plus, the longer visit makes it easier to justify the travel hassle with three young children.
4. Try to plan your next visit before saying goodbye. It always helps to know when you’ll see one another again.
5. Find friends locally who will love and support you and your children. I met my dear friend, Nancy, when I moved to Charleston over 10 years ago. I call her my Charleston Mama, and she and her husband serve as my son’s godparents. This treasured friend is a blessing when what I really need is a hug from my mom.
6. Embrace the opportunity for your children to have a breadth and depth of experiences. My kids say y’all and ya betcha. They know the smell of pluff mud and also, the crispness of a Minnesota fall day and the sensation of walking on a frozen lake. They eat grits for breakfast but put Minnesota maple syrup on their pancakes and their favorite pie is strawberry rhubarb. They love both lefsa and boiled peanuts. The geography of our family makes for rich experiences and exchanges.

Observations From Omi (The Grandmother)

I believe the goal of grandparenting is two-fold: (1) to support and encourage my daughters as they raise their children; and (2) to be an ever-present cheerleader for each of my grandchildren, one who offers unconditional love.

To support my daughters, I seek to listen well and to hear more than just the words said. I seek to offer advice only when asked, to notice and mention the positives, to hurt when parents hurt, and to remind them that this, too, shall pass. I seek to retell stories of my children to my grandchildren as a laughing reminder or, when necessary, as a cautionary tale.

For my grandchildren, I seek to be a perceptive student who knows the qualities, gifts, strengths, and hurts of each child. I seek to let my grandchildren see how my eyes light up each time I have the pleasure of seeing (or hearing) them, to connect with them and provide surprises and delights (that are hopefully parent-approved!). I seek to be intentional in developing relationships.

Here are a few approaches that have enabled me to stay close to my three Charleston grands:

1. Write letters or send funny cards. Send treat money for character qualities you see developing, or send a sympathy note for hard things they’re walking through.
2. Share photos and family stories so that grands know you and their parents better.
3. Take time to be playful and silly. Laugh with them often.
4. Ask good questions and really listen to the answers.
5. Plan time together, especially for special occasions.
6. Plan time with each individual grandchild, whether that be a special trip or a dinner date when the extended family is together.
7. Host a Grandparent Camp for cousins or a group of grandkids.
8. Don’t be jealous of other adults or grandparents who get to spend more time with your grands. The more people who love and support your grandchildren, the better.
9. Be willing to learn new things to connect.
10. Ask questions that don’t have a yes or no answer.
11. Tuck a gift under a pillow when you leave.
12. Pray often for both your child and grandchild.
13. Make a photo album or book to remind them of the qualities you admire in them.
14. Read books to your grandchild on video calls.

(Thank you to Debbie Crabtree for co-writing this article!)

Grandparenting across the miles is the norm for so many of us. We’d love to hear what strategies have enabled your families to stay connected.